The Life and Times of Diana Katanova
by frostyfreezyfreeze54
Summary: Thank You, Heavenly presents its darkest episode yet. When Diana breaks up with Buster without warning, he's severely depressed until an old friend comes to comfort him. However, when that old friend has ulterior motives, Buster has no choice but to be the hero.
1. The Life and Times of Diana K Script

_Thank You, Heavenly_

Theme Song: "Children's Story" by Slick Rick (this episode only)

SEASON 3

EPISODE 5

Airdate: October 26, 2014 (Halloween episode)

Title: The Life and Times of Diana Katanova (45-minute episode)

Segway Segment: None

Special Guest Stars: Damon Wayans as The Soothsayer, Jennessa Bryson as Herself

Satire/Social Commentary: Real-life situation regarding Diana Katanova on June 15, 2014

Written by Michael "frostyfreezyfreeze54" Anderson, animated by Casey Alexander, storyboarded by Zeus Cervas, directed by Walt Dohrn

(The episode opens with a black screen, and the words "The following 45-minute special of _Thank You, Heavenly _is canonical. Meaning that whatever you see here tonight is actually happening to the characters and will affect the show in the future." "Also, please keep in mind that this episode features unsettling content and graphic violence unlike traditional episodes of _Thank You, Heavenly. _Therefore, it is unsuitable for younger audiences and viewer discretion is advised.")

OPENING SEQUENCE

("Children's Story" by Slick Rick playing in the background)

In live-action form, two little Caucasian boys are playing with their model train set at night in their pajamas. The camera zooms into the world of the train set and we now see a CGI-animated nightmarish world, with a red sky, dead crows with knives sticking out of their chests, and caskets with the names of Sparky, Buster, RK, Wade, and Jaylynn on them. On one train that's being ridden into town, Buster is literally split in half on the backseat. His tongue is sticking out and there are signs of trauma around his neck. Jaylynn is shown being nailed to a tree with a rusty nail sticking out of her chest and her face down. RK (with completely black eyeballs) is shown repeatedly stabbing a hobo to death while Sparky appears on the screen dancing around like a puppet in a creepy fashion with wires attached to him. It is revealed that Wade is the one pulling Sparky's strings. He laughs maniacally and as he does, blood comes out of his eyes, mouth, and nose.

RK is then shown in normal animation in a pitch black room, with a lantern that he lights with a match. He has on a hat and a fake beard.

(imitating Bray Wyatt) RK: Tonight's _Thank You, Heavenly _has the potential to disturb you. Please recommend putting your children to bed. They don't need to see this. (flashes a creepy smile) Seattle...we're here. (stock audio of a cheering crowd as RK blows out the lantern)

SCENE 1

The MacDougal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

(The episode officially starts with Sparky and Buster watching TV.)

BUSTER: So seriously, do you ever feel weird not believing in Jesus?

SPARKY: No, not at all. Like Wade said, he was a prophet so there's no point in believing in somebody that was real. How does it feel not believing in anything?

BUSTER: Oh, it feels great. A lot of atheists are seen as scatterbrained weirdos who can't think for themselves, but we shock you with our intelligence. By the way, have you ever tried anchovy paste on a dog biscuit?

(Sparky looks confused when Buster gets a Facebook notification on his phone. He ignores it for a couple seconds, then checks it out.)

BUSTER: Cool, it's a message from Diana.

(Buster immediately becomes horrified and disgusted upon reading the message, which says: "Buster, I don't want to be your girlfriend anymore. In fact, I don't want to be friends anymore. Stop calling me, stop messaging me, stop texting me because I'm done. Don't ask me why I'm doing this, just leave me alone. Forever." Buster is very close to tears and Sparky notices.)

SPARKY: What...what is it, Buster?!

BUSTER: I'm going home!

(Buster runs out of the house while the instrumental to "Kim" by Eminem plays in the background. When Buster's home, he throws his phone to the side, runs up to the stairs to his bedroom, and just lets out a stream of tears. The camera zooms out as Buster cries up a storm.)

SCENE 2

The Newman Condominium

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

ONE WEEK LATER

(Sparky is knocking on Buster's door.)

SPARKY: Buster, please come out, you can start over with someone new! Maybe this is a sign that your soulmate is still out there.

BUSTER: GO AWAY! I'M A LOSER, I'M GOING TO DIE TRYING TO COP A FEEL FROM LPC BECAUSE OF HOW LONELY I AM!

(Sparky sighs in disappointment and goes downstairs. RK, Wade, and Jaylynn are on the couch, all disappointed.)

SPARKY: Well, once again, he's not coming out. Guys, I'm really worried about Buster. He only leaves the house for groceries and school. Why did Diana do something like that? Doesn't she know he's sensitive about people leaving him?

WADE: I've been trying to secure information from Adriana about Diana's motives but she said this has been coming for a while.

RK: Coming for a while? You mean, she was just stringing Buster along this whole time like a crack-addicted prostitute? Oh no, where's this bitch? I'm going to kill her with a Kool-Aid pouch, make her suffocate.

(RK gets up towards the door, but Wade blocks him)

WADE: Hold up, RK. Let's not do anything irrational. Yet. We still have to find out why Diana would do this.

JAYLYNN: You know, we can all go to Diana's house and get the answers by force.

SPARKY: You know? Jaylynn's right. Why can't we just do that?

WADE: Well, it's daring, but we might as well if we're going to fix this. Hey, maybe Diana will feel bad about what she did and we can get them back together.

RK: Well, I hope so. This is Buster's first breakup. It's not like me where he's done it 26 times. I'm telling you the first time, it was terrible. This guy named Kyle thought I was too unstable, can you believe that?

WADE: I thought you became bisexual after three failed relationships with girls and meeting one guy who accepted you for who you are.

RK: No, I was always bi. I just didn't want to accept liking guys until then. But Kyle. Oh man, his breath smelled like ice cream cake every other week.

(RK has a dreamy look on his face while everyone else looks disturbed.)

JAYLYNN: Can we go now before RK gets another orgasm?

SCENE 3

The Katanova Household

Interior Frontyard

Seattle, Washington

(Sparky, RK, Wade, and Jaylynn are on Diana's porch.)

RK: I feel weird going to Diana's house. I think Anna once said it smelled like hair, cat urine, and low expectations.

WADE: RK, we HAVE to do this. Buster?

RK: I know, I know. But if it smells like shit in there, best believe there's going to be a change in venue.

(Sparky rings the bell, and Diana looks through the peephole. She doesn't open the door.)

SPARKY: What the hell, man? She knows we're here!

RK: OK, that's it, time to get ill.

WADE: RK, I wouldn't do that if I were you. You won't like what's going to happen next.

RK: I won't like what's going to happen next?! I WON'T LIKE WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN NEXT?! YOU KNOW WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN NEXT?! I'M GOING TO GET ILL, THAT'S WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN NEXT! HEY BITCH, OPEN THE (BLEEP) UP! BUSTER GAVE YOU EVERYTHING FOR A DAMN GOOD SIX MONTHS, AND YOU JUST THREW HIM OUT LIKE HE MOLESTED YOU OR SOMETHING! AY, I'M MAKING OUT WITH YOUR FRIEND SO YOU DEFINITELY DON'T HAVE ANY LEGS TO STAND ON! OH, AND ANOTHER THING...

DIANA: Will you guys go the (bleep) away?! I don't give two shits about what you or Buster has to say about this! I made the right decision breaking up with him, so get the (bleep) off my property before I call the (bleep) cops!

(long pause; everyone is shaken)

RK: Wade, you were right, I didn't like what happened next.

DIANA: By the way, RK, leather jackets have been out of style since Jesse stopped wearing them on _Full House, _bitch!

(long pause)

(with closed eyes and outstretched arms) RK: In my mind right now, I'm shooting this girl in the face and taking her money.

JAYLYNN: Maybe we should go to Adriana next.

SPARKY: Sure. How about that?

(Everyone slowly walks away from Diana's house, except for RK who still has closed eyes and outstretched arms)

WADE: RK, WILL YOU COME ON?!

RK: Yes, Mommy!

(RK runs off in fear)

SCENE 4

The Chachinski Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

(Adriana is pouring coffee for the guys. Her house has a medieval feel to it, with a knight costume by the fireplace.)

RK: This place is the freaking bomb digs. If I was that kind of guy, I would clean up out this bitch with nobody knowing nothing.

JAYLYNN: Are you ashamed of the fact that you're white, or what?

SPARKY: Thanks for inviting us into your home, Adriana. We just want to know the cold facts. What happened to Diana? Why did she break up with Buster?

ADRIANA: In all honesty, I really don't know. All I know is that Diana has been messed up in the head for a while. The other day, she smacked me in the head for no good reason.

WADE: What?! OK, that's it, we're going back to...

(RK stops Wade from leaving)

RK: Hang on, Wade, we shouldn't be doing anything irrational. Remember?

WADE: Yeah, and I also said "Yet." Now we beat the holy hell out of her.

SPARKY: Can we at least find out what happened before we go around beating anybody?

JAYLYNN: Please.

(Wade lets out a big sigh)

WADE: Fine. But this girl's a psycho, nobody's touching Adriana while I'm around.

ADRIANA: Oh, baby.

(Wade and Adriana start kissing while RK keeps looking around)

RK: Just focus on something else, don't stare at it.

WADE: So Diana broke up with Buster because she's a nut?

ADRIANA: Well, over the past couple weeks, Diana has been getting a lot weirder. It's like she's taking orders from somebody. I don't know who it is, but she's been more distant from us and she mistreats us all the time. I don't really understand it at all. She has a serious mental problem now.

SPARKY: Does Anna know anything?

ADRIANA: You could check it out. But I'm telling you, you shouldn't go near Diana. I have the feeling something terrible is about to happen.

(The four now look worried)

SCENE 5

The Revia-Khocholava Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

ANNA: I honestly don't want to even put Diana's name in my mouth. Anybody that does what she did isn't worth anyone's time.

RK: Sweetheart, what did Diana do?

JAYLYNN: I really wish Asil wanted me.

ANNA: Well, we were all cool for months. We were like The Shield, we were like sisters. Then a few months ago, Diana started acting out of line. She would insult us, give us all these tasks we needed to do, and last week? She threatened me with a gun.

RK: What?!

SPARKY: Holy shit!

ANNA: Yeah, because she didn't like what I had on. She told me to change or she would kill me. And you know what she starred doing? She would always talk shit about you guys. About everybody in fact. She would always say how my own boyfriend was strange or how Jaylynn was gross. She repeatedly said that Buster was retarded and it was only a matter of time before she got sick and tired of him. I don't even know how it happened. She used to genuinely like Buster. Then sometime around the summer, she gradually got more and more annoyed with him. She just started pretending to like him because she didn't know when to break up with him.

JAYLYNN: Why did she change anyway?

ANNA: She started talking to some weird people online. I don't even know who it is, but I think they're from out-of-state.

SPARKY: Well, what do we do now? Buster's devastated that Diana is no longer in his life.

ANNA: My advice? Forget her. Diana has proven over the last couple of months that she's fake. She abandoned her friends, she broke up with a really sweet guy and now she's just dealing with a whole bunch of mental problems. I mean, Diana's always been a hard head and she holds grudges longer than she should, but now, I don't even talk to her anymore. She's out of her mind. And Adriana's really upset on the inside. She saw her best friend deteriorate right before her very eyes.

SPARKY: Well, thanks so much for the information. Come on guys.

(Sparky leaves with Wade and Jaylynn, but RK stays behind and starts playing around with Anna's shirt)

RK: Honey, are we still playing Policeman tonight?

ANNA: Well, my lips don't tell a different story, do they?

RK: You're a devil.

(RK dips Anna and starts kissing her, and the camera focuses on Jaylynn at the door, who looks jealous beyond compare)

JAYLYNN: (Bleep).

SCENE 6

The Newman Condominium

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

(Sparky, RK, Wade, and Jaylynn are all waiting for Buster to come down.)

SPARKY: I can't believe I'm about to tell my best friend in the whole world that the girl of his dreams wants nothing to do with him. I feel like a bitch.

RK: If it makes you feel any better, we all feel like bitches.

JAYLYNN: You know, I can sometimes be a little abrasive and unlikable but Diana's insane. How do you treat people like that day after day? Those who cared for you and would do anything for you. You abandoned all of that for what? For the sick joy of seeing these people upset?

WADE: That's exactly it, Jaylynn. People like Diana are manipulative sociopaths. They have no care for morality and have no capacity for empathy. 95% of the horrible things they do are meant to hurt people. And if it doesn't do that, it's because they don't want to deal with people who actually treat them right because it's boring. They thrive off of abusing other people's emotions. Those who they pretend to cry for, those who they share fake laughter with, those who they trick into feeling cared about, they hurt because if they're not in pain, they have nothing left to enjoy in their sad, empty, and pathetic lives.

(Buster walks down the steps)

BUSTER: This better be good. I was about to destroy the CD single for "Pocketful of Sunshine."

JAYLYNN: Why?

BUSTER: Because it's Diana's favorite song.

SPARKY: Actually, this is about Diana...

BUSTER: Really? What did she say?

SPARKY: Well, you see...

(The doorbell rings)

BUSTER: Were you expecting somebody?

SPARKY: No. You?

BUSTER: Nope. If that's a Jehovah's Witness, tell them I choked on a meatball and died a painful, spastic meatball death.

(Buster looks through the peephole. It's Savanah, but he doesn't recognize her.)

BUSTER: What the hell? There's some hot girl at the door.

(Buster opens the door and lightning strikes behind Savanah.)

SAVANAH: Hi Buster.

BUSTER: How do you know my name?! I know I shouldn't have joined that porno website, but I thought there were other kids on it! I didn't know there was an age policy!

SAVANAH: You don't remember me, do you?

BUSTER: Probably not. Or maybe I do, but I just have repressed memories of the incident. Did you sell me that white chocolate last month? It was some pretty nasty shit.

SAVANAH: Buster, it's me, Savanah. From Colorado.

(long pause; Buster has a brief flashback from the episode "Buster's Pen Pal" where he's playing catch with Sparky in the park)

BUSTER: Why, you mother(bleep)er.

(Buster slams the door shut)

BUSTER: ARE YOU GUYS TRYING TO RUIN MY LIFE?!

SPARKY: Us! We have nothing to do with this! We didn't even know Savanah was coming!

BUSTER: Oh yeah, that's exactly what your "friend" would say to keep you from being nervous about talking to one of your worst enemies!

JAYLYNN: Did I miss something? What happened with you and Savanah?

BUSTER: Well, after I stopped being friends with Kaily, I decided to take Sparky's advice and get a pen pal. I came across Savi and we had one great, amazing conversation. Ah, she was so sweet. Then out of nowhere, she tells me to leave her the (bleep) alone.

WADE: So that's what ended your friendship with Savanah?

BUSTER: No.

WADE: But you just said...

BUSTER: There's more to the story. I kept sending her messages and calling her to find out what the deal was with that but she never responded to anything. And by anything, I literally mean anything. Savanah's a bitch and she's about to finish what she started!

RK: But dude, that was a year ago. Lots of things can change in a year.

BUSTER: Yeah, but people don't change. First rule of society is: Bitches. Never. Change. That's what you learn when you come out the womb.

SPARKY: Just let the girl in.

BUSTER: GAH!

(Buster reopens the door, and Savanah is holding her nose with a smile)

BUSTER: Don't give me that smug look, you diseased (bleep).

SPARKY, RK, WADE, AND JAYLYNN: BUSTER!

SAVANAH: Don't worry, I deserve it. You know what? Can I have some private time with Buster?

BUSTER: It's a trap! She'll get rid of you guys and carry out her evil plan!

RK: You know, just so we can help Mr. Lunatic get off his paranoia trip, we'll go. Hey, we can grab an ice cold ginger ale orange soda at Ike's!

WADE: Buster, trust me. If RK of all people is calling you a lunatic, you need to take a breather.

SPARKY: Good luck old chum.

JAYLYNN: You know some really hot girls.

(The four walk out the door, leaving Buster with Savanah)

BUSTER: You and your sickening smile. Look, I'm not going to mince words here. You may think you hurt my feelings a year ago but I would never give a person like you the satisfaction of hurting my feelings. Maybe for a brief moment, but I've went through TOO much to cry about the likes of you.

SAVANAH: I know, Buster. Please sit down.

(Savi sits on the couch, and Buster decides to as well)

SAVANAH: Look, I came here for an important reason.

BUSTER: Why? Because you're now a wild stalker and it just occurred to you what you did a year ago?

SAVANAH: No, Buster. Please try to listen to me.

(Buster lets out a big sigh)

BUSTER: Fine. I'll listen.

SCENE 7

Ike's Ice Cream Emporium

Interior Dining Area

Seattle, Washington

("I Ain't Thru" by Keyshia Cole featuring Nicki Minaj playing in the restaurant. Sparky, RK, Wade, and Jaylynn are at the bar with large ginger ale orange sodas. RK is slurping the life out of his soda.)

SPARKY: I hope Buster's OK. He can't think straight when he's paranoid like this.

JAYLYNN: In a way, I guess I can understand why he bugged out like that. I mean, you haven't talked to the chick in a year and now she materializes once more. It's kinda creepy.

WADE: You know something? That's the kicker for me. Why would a person who Buster barely knew visit him literally a year after they stopped talking to make things right? It's strange. (The camera zooms in on a freeze frame of a thinking Wade while the Priceline jingle plays in the background. The others are aware of this for some reason and look bored. Except for RK, who's still slurping.)

JAYLYNN: What the hell was that?

WADE: Don't blame me, I was going for something there.

(The others finally notice RK's intense love for his large ginger ale orange soda.)

SPARKY: RK? RK? RK?!

RK: What do you want?

(The straw comes out of the glass by force due to it being in RK's mouth and him turning around. The soda in the straw ends up squirting Sparky in the face.)

RK: Oh, sorry, man.

SPARKY: No charge.

(Sparky uses a napkin to clean himself up)

SPARKY: Damn the thinness of this napkin.

RK: We shouldn't focus on Buster too much. We're at Ike's, the home of fun, ice cold deliciousness, and unintentional diabetes for over 55 years. (snaps fingers) I got it! Let's have a spirited debate about something we know!

WADE: What KIND of spirited debate?

RK: Best show of the 1990s, go.

SPARKY: That's easy, _The Simpsons._

WADE: Definitely _The Simpsons._

RK: I mean, I guess you could say _The Simpsons. _I wouldn't say it changed the game or anything. I mean, it's not like adult animation became a big thing because of _The Simpsons._

(long pause)

WADE: You're being sarcastic, aren't you?

RK: Yes I am. I cast my vote for _The Simpsons._ Jaylynn?

JAYLYNN: I would say _Seinfeld._

SPARKY: Dude, this is best show of the 1990s, you want to say _Seinfeld_? Freaking _Seinfeld_?

WADE: OK, I'll give you the quality of the show. In terms of quality, _Seinfeld _was one of the greatest programs of all-time. But the influence and legacy...I, I just don't see it.

JAYLYNN: _Seinfeld _was the first show to make fun of everyday life and popularize antihero protagonists. People are still trying to imitate the formula today. _The Simpsons _was ONLY good in the 1990s, it started to suck by 2000 and now it's just a zombie show.

RK: What the hell do you mean by a zombie show? A zombie show?!

JAYLYNN: Yes, a zombie show. _Seinfeld _knew when to quit. _The Simpsons _only has its legacy because of the whole Bartmania crap.

WADE: What the?

SPARKY: Are you about to...

RK: Shit.

SPARKY: Are you about to forget the fact that _The Simpsons _made it possible for shows like _South Park _and _Family Guy _to have widespread appeal? Or the fact that it has the largest number of guest stars in television history? _TIME_ magazine called it the greatest show of the 20th century on December 31, 1999.

JAYLYNN: Pretty overrated show with the guest stars featuring pop artists looking for a payday. Oh yeah, I'll tip my cap to _The Simpsons _for having Kid Rock on the show.

RK: Bitch, don't even bring up "Kill the Alligator and Run." That was a terrible post-golden age episode that's unrepresentative of _The Simpsons' _brilliant satire and charming wit in the first eight or nine seasons.

JAYLYNN: It makes sense, _The Simpsons _was seen as the joint in 1995. In 2014, it's been overshadowed by more groundbreaking shows like _South Park, _like _Family Guy._

SPARKY: Dude, nobody's...

WADE: You're actually using the "Seinfeld is Unfunny" trope to defend _Seinfeld_? That's freaking shameless, Jay.

JAYLYNN: Well, I'm a shameless person.

RK: Of course you are.

SPARKY: Dude, nobody's given _Family Guy _since season six. And if that's me being generous, I'll say nobody's given it respect since season three!

JAYLYNN: OK, that's just a low blow right there.

SPARKY: Oh, like your low blows?

WOODY: You know, I personally consider _Buffy the Vampire Slayer _to be the greatest television series of the 1990s.

(long pause; the four look disgusted)

JAYLYNN: You're really putting _Buffy _in this kind of discussion?

RK: Screw you, I don't give a (bleep) about freaking _Buffy._

SPARKY: Who really talks about _Buffy the Vampire Slayer_?

WADE: _Charmed _was more cohesive and less grating than _Buffy._

SCENE 8

The Newman Condominium

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

(Buster and Savanah are now getting along swimmingly. They're laughing up a storm.)

SAVANAH: And so, during my seventh birthday...

BUSTER: Mm-hmmm.

SAVANAH: I found out the guy that was working at my party...

BUSTER: Yeah.

SAVANAH: Liked this girl and he wet himself!

(Buster starts cackling like a hyena)

BUSTER: He wet himself?!

SAVANAH: Yes, it was so gross, the color was completely different on the side of his pants.

BUSTER: Holy shit, that's funny. Oh, man. You know, Savanah, you're a lot of fun. We could have had some great conversations last year.

SAVANAH: I know, I was an idiot for ignoring you. You're awesome!

BUSTER: Thanks. Why did you stop talking to me after one conversation anyway?

SAVANAH: I guess I just wasn't ready to have a pen pal yet. I don't know, it's like that period was horrible for me, I was so antisocial. And my boyfriend around that time left me after a year and a half.

BUSTER: Really?

SAVANAH: Yeah. He said I'm just not cool enough to hold his attention anymore and I'm better off with someone more like me.

BUSTER: Wow, that's absolute bullshit. Who would dump an amazing girl like you? You're beautiful, you're adorable, you're charming, you're funny...

SAVANAH: Oh, stop, you're too sweet. You know, in your messages, you always mentioned how this girl Jennessa was better than me. What happened to her?

BUSTER: Oh, we stopped talking a couple months ago. It was nothing personal, she just realized we had nothing in common and she knew neither of us were getting anything out of the conversations anymore.

SAVANAH: Oh, that's terrible.

BUSTER: Nah, I got over it. The way it ended was sweet and Jennessa will always be close to my heart. But now I don't have any pen pals. I figured I would be set for life with Jennessa in the picture but you always have to keep searching.

SAVANAH: I know what you mean.

(Savi grabs Buster's hand and smiles)

BUSTER: Hey, Sav, um...after the whole Diana situation, I don't think I should jump into a relationship right after.

SAVANAH: No, it's cool. But I do want you to know that it won't stop me from being interested. Because it can't.

(Savanah grabs Buster's hand again and kisses him on the cheek, making him widen his eyes and flash a cheesy smile)

BUSTER: Then again...who says we can't take it slow?

(Savanah has a big fat smile on her face)

SCENE 9

The MacDougal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

SPARKY: OK, this is a big one: _iCarly _or _Victorious_?

RK: _iCarly_, no contest. _Victorious _declined after season two.

(Buster walks in whistling "One Thing" by One Direction)

JAYLYNN: He's whistling 1D again.

WADE: That means something incredible happened.

BUSTER: I would never waste a day not singing the tune of the best boy band in the last decade. This is what I would do when something incredible happened.

(Buster takes RK and starts doing the tango with him while singing "I Wanna Dance With Somebody (Who Loves Me)" by Whitney Houston.)

RK: Ah, _Degrassi _references.

SPARKY: So what's the deal?

BUSTER: Savanah is 100% into me.

JAYLYNN: And here you were talking about how awful Savanah was.

BUSTER: Well, not anymore. RK was right. Lots of things can change in a year. But I don't want to rush into anything and mess it up, so I told her we should take it slow.

WADE: Nice. Has the female chasing YOU. That's the same way I successfully secured Colleen Finnegan a few years back.

RK: What? Colleen liked ME and told you she just wanted to be friends.

WADE: Well, what about that Spin the Bottle kiss?

RK: You son of a bitch, that was a favor Colleen did for you.

WADE: A favor? You know what, RK?!

(RK and Wade start arguing while Jaylynn takes off her _Steven Universe _beanie and starts playing with it in boredom)

(sticks up thumb in approval) SPARKY: I'm real proud of ya, Busts.

BUSTER: Thanks bro.

SCENE 10

("Pocketful of Sunshine" by Natasha Bedingfield playing in the background)

Buster starts to hang out more and more with Savanah as he's a lot more confident now and happier. Every day after his adventures, he talks to the gang at Sparky's house at night. On one occasion, Buster and Savi go bowling and neither of them play so well. In fact, Savanah bowls an 80. However, they're just happy to be with each other, enjoying their time together. At one point, the two go see a movie, which just so happens to be _My Little Pony: Equestria Girls - Rainbow Rocks_. At another, the two are at Puget Sound and as an act of mischief, release a stink bomb near the docks. The people there are disgusted beyond belief. Buster keeps on telling the gang stories about his hangouts with Savanah. For a while, they were interested, but now they're downright bored. RK repeatedly hits himself with a pillow so he won't have to hear any more stories. It then looks like Buster and Savanah are dancing to "Pocketful of Sunshine," as they're completely in rhythm over various special effects like outer space and a large high-rise building in New York City. It turns out they're in front of a green screen at a soundstage but a rugged security guard chases them out.

SCENE 11

The Huie Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

BUSTER: So then, the security guard chased us down with a fly swatter. A freaking fly swatter! You HAD to have been there.

RK: Why can't you tell us something interesting for once about you and Savi? Like, you both got shot because you tell too many stories.

BUSTER: I don't think that story's very funny. Anyway...

SPARKY: Look, Buster, I'm your best friend and I love the fact that you've been enjoying your time with Savanah for the past couple of weeks. But don't you think that you're spending too much time with her?

BUSTER: Oh, I see the cream on the chestnuts now. You're jealous of the fact that I have a smoking hot girlfriend and you don't.

SPARKY: I DO have a smoking hot girlfriend, thank you very much.

RK: See? He's been so occupied with this Colorado girl that he's forgotten a very important character trait!

JAYLYNN: Wait a sec. Since when did you and Savi start going out?

(Buster thinks for a while.)

BUSTER: You know, that never really happened over these past couple weeks.

SPARKY: So you're bragging about a girl that you probably haven't even kissed yet?

WADE: Has anyone noticed we're at Jaylynn's house? Huh. Ain't THAT kooky.

BUSTER: Look, I'm attracted to Savanah, I can't hide it anymore. But I told her I would take it slow.

SPARKY: It's been more than a month now. You have to make a move or else she'll start to lose interest and go for another fella.

BUSTER: Fella?

SPARKY: It's 2014, I can use whatever vocabulary I want, OK?

BUSTER: Well, you're right. I mean, I'm pretty sure I've kept Savi waiting long enough. I know she still wants me. And I'm ready to take things to the next level.

SPARKY: Do it tomorrow. You guys are having a movie night at your condo, it'll be perfect.

JAYLYNN: Yeah, and just make sure you come back the next morning with BETTER stories. I never felt the need to kill anybody with a fork until tonight.

BUSTER: Will do. See ya guys.

SPARKY, RK, WADE, AND JAYLYNN: See ya.

(Buster walks out the door. At that point, RK gets a text message.)

RK: Well, I have to jet too. Anna and I are playing Fireman Sam tonight.

WADE: How do you play Fireman Sam?

RK: There's a hose and that's that.

SCENE 12

The Newman Condominium

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

(Buster and Savanah are watching a scary movie one night later and they scream so loud, some of the popcorn falls on the floor.)

SAVANAH: Oh my God, this movie is so scary. Please hold me.

(Savanah grabs Buster)

BUSTER: Oh yeah, sure, Savi. Because whenever you're scared, just count on the New-man to keep you out of harm's way.

SAVANAH: Oh, you're the best.

(long pause; Buster starts rubbing Savanah's hair, and she giggles. He notices this and starts kissing her head. She seems to like the attention.)

(in his mind) BUSTER: Should I kiss her? I don't know. I mean, I could. But damn, this girl wants it.

(Buster adjusts himself, looks into Savanah's eyes, and...)

BUSTER: I CAN'T DO IT!

(Savi, in frustration, pauses the movie.)

BUSTER: Wait a minute, wasn't that live? How did you do that?

SAVANAH: It's a DVR.

BUSTER: Oh yeah, I forget that sometimes.

SAVANAH: Buster, is something wrong? Why won't you kiss me?

BUSTER: Look, Savi, I wish I could close the deal but I can't. Kissing you is like kissing Diana. I can't imagine kissing anyone else but her.

SAVANAH: Really? Well, we've never kissed before so you can't be sure about that.

BUSTER: I guess I can't.

SAVANAH: You can't.

(Buster and Savanah finally kiss, for more than a couple seconds. Buster relents again.)

BUSTER: OK, I can't do it. For sure this time. Diana Katanova was the girl of my dreams and I will always love her, no matter what she did to me.

SAVANAH: You guys only dated for a couple months.

BUSTER: Yeah, but we made a big connection during that time. She was the girl I had been waiting my whole life for and now she's gone. I want her back and it hurts because...

(Savanah kisses Buster mid-sentence)

SAVANAH: Buster, I'm really sorry for what happened with Diana. I can't change your mind in a couple seconds but one thing I can change is having someone else in your life. Diana left with almost no explanation. I came back because I couldn't live with myself over what I did anymore. And now I know I want to be in your life for as long as I can.

(Buster thinks this over.)

BUSTER: You really mean that?

SAVANAH: If I didn't, I wouldn't have come all the way from Fountain, Colorado for a boy.

BUSTER: Then come here.

(The two start making out.)

SAVANAH: Wait, what about the movie?

BUSTER: Sav, I want to make a movie with YOU.

(The two resume making out, and the camera cuts to an exterior shot of the Westboro Complex.)

SCENE 13

The Newman Condominium

Interior Buster's Bedroom

Seattle, Washington

(Buster wakes up with a smile on his face after the night before, and expects to see Savanah next to him.)

BUSTER: Good morning, cupcake.

(Buster sees that he's alone in bed.)

BUSTER: Hmmmm, guess Savanah went home early. (Rubbing his head) For some reason, I feel like I can't remember something about last night. Then again, I can't remember a lot of things.

(LPC comes in and starts licking Buster's hand)

BUSTER: Hey hey, LPC. How about some breakfast?

(Buster heads to the kitchen and sees a note on the refrigerator.)

BUSTER: What the hell? "You will never see your friends again. Signed, Unanimous." (The note says "Anonymous" but Buster can't pronounce it.) What the hell did Unanimous do to my friends?!

SCENE 14

The MacDougal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

(Buster is talking to Bitch Clock.)

BUSTER: He's not here?!

BITCH CLOCK: Nope. I haven't been able to reach Sparky's cell phone all day.

BUSTER: Dammit, Unanimous must have gotten to him already!

BITCH CLOCK: Unanimous?

BUSTER: Yeah, I got this note from a guy named Unanimous telling me I would never see my friends again. I think he's under a pseudonym of some sort. (Buster hands Bitch Clock the note)

BITCH CLOCK: Buster, this says "Anonymous," not "Unanimous." Have you ever heard of the word "Anonymous?"

BUSTER: I think so. It's what people use when they don't want to...be found...out.

(Bitch Clock gives Buster a bored stare)

BUSTER: Oh. That was a TERRIBLE mispronunciation on my part. But now what do I do? Sparky, RK, Wade, and Jaylynn are in big trouble!

BITCH CLOCK: Calm down, it can't be that bad. We'll make sure we send out a search party.

BUSTER: You want us to party when my FRIENDS HAVE BEEN KIDNAPPED BY SOME KIDNAPPER?!

(Bitch Clock gives Buster another bored stare)

BUSTER: Oh...I'm doing it again, aren't I?

BITCH CLOCK: What do YOU think?

SCENE 15

Seattle, Washington

(Sparky wakes up, looking very tired. He realizes his hands are chained to a wall and his feet are locked as well by the ankles.)

SPARKY: What the hell? WHO DID THIS?! LET ME OUT!

RK: Sparky, will you stop screaming? I'm trying to have my monthly BDSM lucid dream.

SPARKY: RK, this isn't a dream. We're freaking chained up like prisoners!

RK: I don't get it. I have this dream every month, and all we have to do to wake up is say the magic words: "Booga Bear."

(Nothing happens.)

RK: Holy shit, this is real! I just hope nothing bad happens to us.

WADE: I wouldn't be so sure about that, RK.

(Wade is shown chained up next to RK.)

RK: What do you mean?

WADE: After trying to remember the events of last night, I can safely conclude that a person kidnapped us and plans to hold us for ransom. Or else we all die.

SPARKY: All die? There's only three of us.

JAYLYNN: Sparky, I got kidnapped too. By the way, good morning.

SPARKY: Good morning, Jaylynn. You know, it's hard to see anybody else when you're stuck to the wall.

ADRIANA: I can't believe this. I think someone drugged me and stuffed me in a sack.

WADE: Those nasty (bleep)ers!

ANNA: I got hit with a tranquilizer dart. Actually, three.

RK: Those conniving child pornography fiends! OK, WHO'S THE PEDOPHILE THAT DID THIS?! I WANT A MOTHER(BLEEP)ING ANSWER RIGHT NOW! IT'S NOT 1986 ANYMORE, I'M HIP TO THE SCHEMES, WISE GUY! I WATCH VERY SPECIAL EPISODES, I KNOW NOT TO TRUST BICYCLE SHOP OWNERS!

(Diana comes down the steps.)

SPARKY: Diana?!

ADRIANA AND ANNA: DIANA?!

WADE: Holy.

JAYLYNN: Shit.

RK: I really don't know what to do now, my material's wasted.

SPARKY: Diana, you kidnapped us?! What the hell is your problem?

DIANA: Well, getting you guys here in my basement was no easy task. I had the help of a little friend.

ANNA: I knew you might have had something to with this, I smelled cat urine when I woke up.

WADE: Who's your little friend, psychopath?

(Savanah walks down the steps with a sinister smile on her face)

SPARKY: Oh my God. Savanah Edie?!

RK: Buster's new girlfriend?!

SAVANAH: I was never his girlfriend.

JAYLYNN: What? But you...

DIANA: I think we both have a lot of explaining to do. You know, as to why you're down here.

SAVANAH: And why there's a very good chance we're going to kill you.

("Big Time Theme Song" by Big Time Rush playing in the background as the camera pans on all six kids' worried looks, in the following order: Adriana, Wade, Anna, Jaylynn, RK, and Sparky.)

SCENE 16

The Katanova Household

Interior Basement

Seattle, Washington

DIANA: OK, we might as well tell you why this is all happening.

JAYLYNN: Yeah? That's what you said you were going to do less than two minutes ago.

DIANA: Shut up, you gross bitch!

JAYLYNN: OK, someone better free me before I bite the chains off and choke this girl to death.

SAVANAH: Quiet! A couple months ago, around the time Diana was dating Buster, we met on PenPal World. Apparently, she wanted a friend that wasn't from here and she thought I was cool so we started talking.

DIANA: Buster and Savanah have prior history. I found out and I started to realize that Buster was a horrible person.

RK: And how exactly did you realize that?

DIANA: Savi told me Buster was going to hurt me. I didn't want to believe it, but eventually, it all started to make sense.

ANNA: Yeah, because you let a sociopath turn YOU into a sociopath.

(Savanah walks up to Anna and slaps her hard across the face. Anna is seething with rage as Savanah calmly walks back next to Diana as if nothing had just happened.)

DIANA: Buster wasn't thinking about me long-term. I know he's had abandonment issues in the past and he sees me as somebody who he'll get rid of in the future.

WADE: Buster has always treated you like a princess.

ADRIANA: That's true, he loves you.

DIANA: No, he doesn't. He never has. That's just what a guy says to keep you around. Plus, Buster is an absolute idiot. He can barely function for too long without other people to depend on. He's annoying beyond compare and half the time, he doesn't even have a rational thought.

SAVANAH: I knew Buster wasn't right for Diana and I told her that until she got it.

(Sparky rolls his eyes)

SAVANAH: So we decided to enact our plan to ruin Buster's life and make sure he dies suffering.

DIANA: I had no problem breaking the freak's heart. I thought it was fun.

(RK looks disgusted)

SAVANAH: I came back so I could gain Buster's trust and sweep the rug out from underneath him. I never liked him at all. I just knew what to get from him and he was easy to trick because he's so dependent on everyone else.

DIANA: I know, right? He has a brain the size of a walnut.

(Diana and Savanah start laughing and everybody looks disturbed)

ADRIANA: So why did you kidnap us again?

SAVANAH: It's simple. We trap you guys here and give Buster an ultimatum. He comes here and fights us with your lives on the line. If he loses, we kill you guys. If he wins, we'll still kill you guys.

DIANA: No matter the outcome, Buster is going to have to see you guys murdered.

ANNA: Are you (bleep) serious? You would freaking kill the friends you've known since kindergarten?

ADRIANA: The same friends that have always helped you and supported you?

DIANA: You guys aren't my friends. Maybe at one point when I was naive and stupid, but you're not my friends. You're not even people, you're just...dogs. Dogs that are too old and need to be put down.

(Adriana and Anna look close to tears)

SAVANAH: After we kill you guys, Buster will be so depressed at seeing his little buddies die that he'll have no choice but to commit suicide.

JAYLYNN: You won't get away with killing six kids, you sick (bleep)s. Buster will report you guys.

SAVANAH: And if that retard even attempts to, we'll kill him. Hell, we might as well kill him right after we finish you dogs to avoid any trouble.

DIANA: And you know what the best part is? None of his friends will be there at the funeral...

SAVANAH AND DIANA: Because they're in Hell with him! (The two start laughing and Sparky screams in frustration, desperately trying to escape)

SAVANAH: Aw, what's the matter, Sparky? Trying to bail your BFF out of trouble again? You know what, your name is pretty fitting. I think we'll kill you before anyone else.

DIANA: After all, Buster will barely be able to breathe after seeing his best friend cut open first.

SPARKY: You guys are the most demented mother(bleep)ers I ever met. And trust me, you're not killing anybody because I'm going to make you two bleed until your whole body is red.

SAVANAH: Ooh, graphic. Wanting to hit a girl with no trouble. How progressive of you, Sparky.

SPARKY: Are you really that dense, stupid, or just plain insane? This has absolutely NOTHING to do with what gender you are. I could care less if you're a girl, boy, trans, whatever. What you need to get through your thick skulls is that you can put me in these chains. You can torture me like an animal, you can treat me with as little respect as you see fit. You know what? I'm taking that back because I would never give bottom-of the-barrel scum like you that privilege. But the minute you violate my best friend's trust, the minute you shatter his heart, the minute you sit there and plan to drive him to suicide is the minute nothing matters anymore. I'm going to get out of this. And when I do get out of this, I'm going to give you bitches the worst beating you could possibly imagine. Because hurting Buster Newman, the most important person in my freaking life is something not even the most demented people would do if they knew what I would do to them. I hope you two diseased wastes of human flesh get checked out at some mental ward because I have no idea what kind of person would be this batshit insane to commit to this poorly planned, sociopathic, irredeemable defecation disguised as an actual idea.

(long pause; everybody is stunned at Sparky's audacity)

DIANA: Damn, boy.

SAVANAH: That actually hurt a little.

SCENE 17

The Newman Condominium

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

(Buster walks into the house worried)

BUSTER: OK, I put up all the missing kid posters.

(A poster is seen on a pole that says "Missing: My Four Friends. Call Buster.")

BUSTER: I just wish I knew where they could possibly be. What the hell?

(Buster sees a note on the coffee table.)

BUSTER: "We have your friends, but you might be able to save them. Log into Skype on your laptop at 3:00. The handle Vannah2003 will contact you." Wait a minute, what the hell? It all makes sense! The kidnappers took Savanah and hijacked her Skype account!

SCENE 18

The Maria Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

(Asil is on the couch with Gilcania.)

GILCANIA: I have no idea where Jaylynn is, do you?

ASIL: No, not at all, that's why I came here. It's not like her to skip poetry class, she loves it. I just hope she's OK.

(At that moment, we see Jaylynn in the basement.)

JAYLYNN: Crap, Asil must be worried about me.

DIANA: Oh yeah, that Muslim bitch you have a la di da di crush on?

JAYLYNN: She's not a bitch. She's a really awesome friend and the most amazing girl I know.

SAVANAH: Keep telling yourself that. No one ever goes for whatever you are. I'm surprised you're not FTM transgender yet.

JAYLYNN: Oh yeah, like I give a (bleep) what YOU think. Why don't you grab a mint, black coffee breath?

WADE: You're a jackass who needs to be put down, Savanah.

SAVANAH: What did you say, Wade?

RK: You're a jackass who needs to be put down is what he said.

SAVANAH: Drop RK's pants and underwear, Diana.

SPARKY: What?!

RK: You're going to have sex with me as punishment in front of my girlfriend? I don't know whether to be scared or find some sick, twisted thrill out of this.

ANNA: I don't know either, but I DO know you two are deranged as (bleep).

(Diana pulls down RK's pants and underwear, while Savanah gives Diana a set of tasers.)

SAVANAH: Here you go.

JAYLYNN: Are those tasers?

SAVANAH: No, they're just code for phallus. Yes, they're tasers, igmo!

RK: I don't know what you're going to do, but I'm very scared right now and...

(Diana shocks RK's testicles for fifteen seconds with the tasers but it can't be seen. The other five are all distraught at this but Savanah has a disturbing grin on her face.)

RK: YOU CRAZY SLUT, DID YOU JUST TASE MY BALLS?!

DIANA: What do YOU think?

SPARKY: Words can't describe how disgusted I am. With both of you.

SAVANAH: Whatever. It's 3:00. Time to enact our plan.

DIANA: You think Buster has a shot against us?

SAVANAH: Are you kidding? He's brainless. He couldn't beat an egg.

(Buster anxiously waits for a chat from Vannah2003, and presses the green "Accept" button. We then see Savanah and Diana in front of the screen.)

BUSTER: Diana?! YOU took my friends AND Savanah?! Savi, what did that thing do to you?!

SAVANAH: Shut the hell up, Buster.

(Buster is frozen for a few seconds, and looks around thinking Savanah was talking to someone else)

BUSTER: I don't think anyone else is here except my cat.

SAVANAH: You've probably figured it out already.

DIANA: How we kidnapped your dogs you call friends.

BUSTER: Wait, what? You two were behind the whole thing?!

SAVANAH: Obviously. And I think your "friends" want some camera time.

SPARKY: Buster, please save us! These two are demented psychopaths!

ADRIANA: Trust me, dude, these aren't the girls you thought they were.

RK: THEY TOOK A TASER TO MY NUTS!

BUSTER: Savanah, why would you do this? I thought you liked me. I thought you wanted to be there for me after Diana left.

SAVANAH: Are you kidding? I never liked you, I just had to gain your trust. You don't mean shit to me. If it wasn't for me, Diana wouldn't have seen how much better she can do than an infantile idiot like you.

BUSTER: So you convinced the love of my life to break up with me, then you used me for your own sick satisfaction, and now you trapped my friends in science knows where?! This is all YOUR fault. Once a bitch, always a bitch.

DIANA: Buster, I would have done it eventually. You're not boyfriend material for anybody.

BUSTER: So this was your plan? To break my heart all this time?

DIANA: Of course. This whole relationship thing? It never had any meaning to me. The first month or two were OK, but after that, you were just another person. And I really, really have the urge to kill you before you become a waste in somebody else's life.

BUSTER: You're not killing me, you psycho.

SAVANAH: Yeah, you are. If you don't win the fight.

BUSTER: What fight?

DIANA: We challenge you to a fight. A physical fight. If you beat us, your friends can go. If you don't, we kill them. And YOU.

BUSTER: Are you two that seriously (bleep)ed up?!

SAVANAH: Yeah, we have to be.

BUSTER: I'm not going to fight you two. I can't bring myself to hurt you guys, no matter how much I hate you.

DIANA: Then you have 24 hours to make a decision. And trust me, Buster. The only way these six dogs are coming out alive is if you beat us.

SPARKY: BUSTER, PLEASE SAVE US!

SAVANAH: Diana, pass me a knife.

(Diana gives Savanah a knife and she stabs Sparky in the shoulder, making him scream and cry. Buster looks shaken.)

BUSTER: SPARKY, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

RK: What the (bleep) is your problem?!

SPARKY: SOMEBODY HELP ME!

(Everyone starts shouting "HELP!" and Savanah and Diana have wild smirks on their faces.)

SAVANAH: By the way, Buster, you're pathetic.

DIANA: Yeah, he doesn't want to hit a girl!

SAVANAH: Oh, he's so mature.

(While the two laugh, Buster ends the video chat and starts shaking while crying)

SCENE 19

("Letters from the Sky" by Civil Twilight playing in the background)

Buster is sitting on his bed, almost horrified at what he's been dealt with. He looks at a picture of him kissing Diana on the cheek, and a signed picture of Savanah saying, "You're the only guy for me. Then, now, forever." In disgust, he throws them to the side. He then starts to think about his past memories. His first meeting with Diana at the corner store. His attempt to kiss her on the quadruple date and cutting his lip in the process after connecting with her earring. Watching One Direction's concert performance at University of Phoenix Stadium on the _Where We Are _Tour. Making out with Diana at the hotel in Phoenix on the bed. Buster goes to the bathroom, splashes cold water in his face, and then takes a drive. The bad memories begin to clog his mind. The Facebook letter he received that started everything. Savanah's fake interest in him. And of course, the humiliating Skype video chat while having to see his best friend stabbed in the shoulder. Buster looks a little enraged, but can't muster up anything more than sadness and regret. He parks near a closed-off area in the city, and climbs up a large hill while it's raining. Buster takes out a picture of Jennessa that he had kept for quite a while.

BUSTER: She would know what to do. She always did.

With no other options, Buster does the absolute unthinkable. With lightning striking in the background and the thunder clapping, he gets down on his knees and prays to God. Meanwhile, Savanah frees Sparky's left arm and patches up his stab wound. For no reason at all, Diana kicks Adriana hard in the gut and spits in Anna's eye, engaging her while Adriana tries to fight back tears. Jaylynn shakes her head, and RK and Wade are both pissed off, but they know they can't do anything about it. Meanwhile, Buster cries again and has his eyes closed as the rain continues to pour. At that point, a card hits Buster in the face. He opens his eyes and reads the card.

BUSTER: The Soothsayer, fortune-telling aficionado since 2010. 515 Langston Street, open from 6:30 AM to 11:00 PM.

(Buster looks up in the sky)

BUSTER: HE did this?

SCENE 20

The Soothsayer Fortune Telling, Inc.

Exterior Entrance

Seattle, Washington

(Buster pulls up to the shop)

BUSTER: Oh crap, I've never been this kind of person. But what choice do I have? I need answers and guidance.

(Buster knocks on the door, and The Soothsayer appears at the door dressed like a wizard)

THE SOOTHSAYER: Come in, little Caucasian boy, and get your fortune told.

BUSTER: By Harry Potter?

THE SOOTHSAYER: This costume cost me $5.00 at the thrift store, and I don't appreciate your Cracker Jack ass...

BUSTER: OK, OK, I won't rip on your costume.

THE SOOTHSAYER: Now, my young peanut butter and jelly mutant fish, what seems to be troubling you this evening? You look like you have a lot on your mind.

BUSTER: Well, I have to fight these two evil, mentally unstable girls tomorrow or they'll kill my friends.

(long pause)

THE SOOTHSAYER: Bro, I'm not that kind of guy, I don't sell weapons here. Or as some urban folk call them, "gangsta toys."

BUSTER: I just need what I came here for in the first place: Advice. Should I fight these girls or not?

THE SOOTHSAYER: Kid, that's not my job. My job is to tell you how successful you'll be in your quest.

BUSTER: Look, tell me afterwards, just give me guidance.

THE SOOTHSAYER: Well, it's not like most people come here for fortune-telling.

BUSTER: What do they usually come here for?

THE SOOTHSAYER: To see an old black man shuck and jive for an hour but I digress. Look, are your friends worth fighting for?

BUSTER: Of course, I love them.

THE SOOTHSAYER: Then you have to get over your fears and fight for their protection. They're counting on you to be the hero and prove your worth. Look, kid, I can tell you're scared and a little confused but that's the hard part of growing up. You have to rise up to those massive challenges and overcome them.

BUSTER: But I just can't see myself fighting those girls. Even though they used me for their own personal gain and kidnapped my friends so they could torture them.

THE SOOTHSAYER: I'm telling you now that you don't have to have any uncertainty about fighting them. If they're insane enough to go to those lengths, then they obviously want you to suffer and be miserable.

BUSTER: No, it can't be true. They would never do that.

THE SOOTHSAYER: Yes they are. This is beyond just holding a grudge. They're manipulative sociopaths. And those kinds of people have to receive consequences because they deserve it. If you don't fight them, kid, you're going to lose everything. Because people like that won't stop torturing you until you're dead. I know it's hard to accept, but those girls never cared about you. At all. They were always after something a lot more heinous. You can't let them get away with this, enough's enough.

BUSTER: You know what? You're right! I'm sick and tired of crying, I'm sick and tired of running away! AND I'M SICK AND TIRED OF BEING PUT THROUGH THE SAME DAMN BULLSHIT OVER AND OVER! My friends need me, Soothsayer. I'm not sad anymore. I'M MAD! And Diana Katanova and Savanah Edie picked the wrong guy to (bleep) with. Thanks, Soothsayer guy.

(Buster marches out of the store)

SOOTHSAYER: Wait, that was $5.99 and that doesn't even include the actual fortune-telling!

("I'm Mad" by EPMD playing in the background)

Buster marches out of the store with a stern look on his face and gets in his car. He's speeding a little but all he cares about is vengeance. Vengeance for everything Diana and Savanah did to him, to the guys, Adriana, and Anna. He imagines himself walking through a room with fire all over, grabbing a butcher knife, and finding the two girls in the street and stabbing them. Buster walks up to the house after parking his car and logs on to his laptop.

DIANA: Get your sleep, you're never going to wake up after tomorrow morning so you might as well soak up all the Z's you can.

WADE: Guys, I just realized something. If you plan to kill us regardless of what happens, why didn't you mention that to Buster?

SAVANAH: Because there's no way Buster would come down here if he knows what our actual plans are. You have to learn to negotiate, Wade. Aren't you supposed to be the smart guy?

WADE: Yeah, but...whatever.

SPARKY: Thanks for cleaning my wound that you caused for no apparent reason.

SAVANAH: Don't start developing a crush on me. I only did that to make an example out of you but there's no point in killing you when Buster's not around to see it.

SPARKY: Wow, so even malicious has standards.

DIANA: You bet we do. We've prepared for every possible contingency.

JAYLYNN: You must be so proud of yourselves.

(A Skype chat request is coming from FigNewman, Buster's handle)

SAVANAH: Well, it looks like Buster wants to chat.

DIANA: I hope he accepts our challenge.

ANNA: Yeah, so he can beat your sorry asses.

DIANA: I heard that!

ANNA: You were supposed to, dumbass!

(Savi accepts the chat request. Buster looks enraged.)

SAVANAH: Well, hello there, you pathetic waste of imagination...

BUSTER: Shut the (bleep) up, you have your match. Tomorrow, 8:00.

DIANA: What's with the audacity?

BUSTER: I just want you to know that I hate you guys. For too long, I've been letting people like you push me around. You don't care about anything but yourselves. And trust me, I know what I mean when I say that. You two are such giant assholes, you don't even care about each other. People like you never learn anything. You're sad, empty, pathetic, and an excuse for a human being. And I guess you're always going to be like that. Savanah, if you wanted to kill me, then you should've had the balls to step to me and say it from the jump. Don't hit me below the belt and kidnap the people who I consider my family. Same goes for YOU, Diana. What the hell is the point of trapping your closest friends and killing them? This has nothing to do with them. This is about me. I guess they weren't willing to eat the crap that comes out your mouth every time you speak.

DIANA: I'M GOING TO MURDER YOU TOMORROW AND LEAVE YOU A BLOODY CORPSE ON THE FLOOR!

BUSTER: Yeah, good luck with that. Both of you are psychotic freaks and tomorrow, I'm going to put you out. I'm not just going to beat you. I'm going to kill you. I have to because I just have a feeling you're going to kill my friends whether I win or not.

(Savanah and Diana stare at each other worried)

BUSTER: Yeah, you didn't think I saw that coming? What kind of person do you take me for? And where are you keeping the six?

DIANA: My basement.

BUSTER: Well, I'm going to be there tomorrow night and you won't even know it. Sparky, RK, Wade, Jaylynn, Adriana, Anna? I'm going to get rid of these punks for you. Sleep well, girls. (Buster has a devious smile and ends the chat)

SAVANAH: Diana?

DIANA: I know, I'm scared too.

ADRIANA: About (bleep)ing time someone did that.

SCENE 21

The Newman Condominium

Interior Bedroom

Seattle, Washington

(Buster wakes up at 8:56 AM PST. He looks determined.)

BUSTER: Let's do this.

("Into the Fire" by Thirteen Senses playing in the background)

Buster starts doing exercises to get ready for his 2-on-1 match against Diana and Savanah. He does some push-ups, curl-ups, jumping jacks, and weight lifts. He also stretches out his legs and jogs around the block, but he gets tired and collapses on the ground. He kicks back a bit with LPC, watching some TV. It's the _American Dad _episode "Hot Water." Buster walks all the way to the hill and just has a stern expression on his face. He goes back home, takes a shower, and puts on some street fight clothes: A T-shirt, a blue hoodie sweatshirt, black shorts, and sneakers. He kisses LPC on the head and leaves a note at the door of his condo, saying "You may never see me again. If I die, someone take LPC unless they're sick or mentally screwed-up. I don't need my cat in the hospital." Buster carries some bags to the trunk of his car and takes out a bunch of weapons. A fully loaded 9mm, a crowbar, a sledgehammer, a baseball bat, a butcher knife, a steel chair, and a little bag of thumbtacks. He starts his car and drives away until he reaches Diana's house.

BUSTER: (Bleep), I should've given LPC to Gilcania.

(Buster takes a look at Diana's house)

BUSTER: I think I have an idea for a cool entrance.

Meanwhile, inside the basement, it's 7:57 PM.

SAVANAH: Has Buster arrived yet?

(Diana walks upstairs to check)

SAVANAH: Guys, I just want to say it's been a wonderful two days with you. But at some point, we all have to say goodbye to our lives.

SPARKY: You're a psychotic she-devil who's going to die tonight.

RK: I think I just realized how f'ed up this whole situation is.

WADE: You mean, the fact that a bunch of little kids are going to be violently murdered because of a bunch of other little kids?

RK: Yup, took the words right out my mouth.

(Diana runs back downstairs)

DIANA: He's here, I saw the car!

SAVANAH: Well, he better come soon so we can get this over with.

(A loud crash is heard, because Buster literally just drove through the side of Diana's house intentionally)

BUSTER: Ha. Taylor Swift can't write about this.

(Diana comes upstairs and sees the wreckage)

DIANA: WHAT THE (BLEEP) IS YOUR PROBLEM?!

(Buster flashes the nine)

BUSTER: The only problem I have is that you're not dead yet.

(Buster fires a bullet but it misses Diana but it misses and she runs downstairs. Buster grabs his sledgehammer and gives chase.)

DIANA: HE JUST TRIED TO SHOOT ME!

(Buster jumps off the staircase and dives onto Diana, throwing the weapons aside to make it a real street fight. Savanah responds with a Meat Hook clothesline.)

("Nuff Respect" by Big Daddy Kane playing in the background)

The kids cheer for Buster to rise up as Savi lets off with a series of strikes and kicks. Buster blocks a kick and hits a neckbreaker. Buster then roughs up Diana by throwing her into the walls and slamming her down on the floor. He then connects with punches to the face that give Diana a nosebleed and a black eye. Savanah responds with a Busaiku Knee Kick and starts choking Buster, but he reverses it into Hell's Gate. Savanah is forced to release the chokehold because of how painful Hell's Gate is, but Diana comes with a stiff punt to Buster's head. Diana throws Buster into Sparky and starts repeatedly kicking him in the chest. She then locks him in the Colossal Clutch, but Buster uses his newfound strength and adrenaline to turn it into an electric chair drop. Buster then connects with harder punches and kicks, including a mule kick off of an empty bookshelf. Diana seems finished and Buster gets the sledgehammer to finish the job, but Savi takes it away from him and nails him twice with it: In the gut and in the skull. Savanah drags Buster's limp body upstairs and puts him in the trunk of the car. She lights a match and throws it on the trunk, presumably burning everything inside including Buster. She walks downstairs and wakes up Diana.

SAVANAH: He's dead, I burned him alive.

SPARKY: NOOOOOO!

(about to cry) JAYLYNN: What?

SAVANAH: Yup, and now it's time for all of you to die so who goes first?

RK: PLEASE, I DON'T WANT TO DIE!

ANNA: YOU'RE GOING TO BURN IN HELL FOR THIS!

DIANA: Guess you should've thought about that before...

("Live for the Moment" by Monster Magnet playing in the background)

(Buster dives off the staircase and stabs Savanah in mid-air. She doesn't die right there, but the wound is very noticeable. Diana tries to use the sledgehammer again , but Buster ducks and begins to choke her with the crowbar. She collapses and Savi kicks Buster low. Savanah tries to whip Buster with the crowbar, but Buster barely avoids it and dropkicks her, making her face hit the crowbar. Buster gives Savanah repeated blows to the head with the crowbar. One last shot to the ribcage and she's down. Buster grabs the knife and stabs Savanah in her spine, pushing the knife down as she gasps for air and dies with her eyes in the back of her head. Buster presses the big green button in the center of the room that unlocks the chains, and yells at the six to escape, which they do. Buster then grabs Diana by the head. She sees that Savanah is dead.

DIANA: SAVI, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Buster, I'm sorry for everything I ever did to you. I'm sorry for hurting everyone you care about. I'm sorry for hurting my best friends! (Diana starts crying) I'm a terrible person, just please don't kill me!

(Buster has a bag of thumbtacks behind his back, which the camera shows)

BUSTER: And you're serious about this?

DIANA: Yes.

BUSTER: Fine, I'll let you go.

DIANA: Thank you. You're so...

(Diana attempts to stab Buster in the chest with the knife but he dodges and throws the thumbtacks in her face. Diana kneels down in pain and Buster hits a Busaiku Knee Kick. Instead of stabbing Diana to death, he instead grabs a book of matches and contemplates burning the place down.)

BUSTER: Diana, you'll never understand how much you hurt me. You're a terrible, sociopathic, mentally diseased person with a bunch of demons I'll never understand. I don't know why you would do this and I don't want to know. Maybe one day, when you're in Hell, you'll realize everything you've done. But just remember that for the rest of eternity, I'll be living as a happy person while you sit there and come to terms with how sick you are. But you're not going to be alive when that happens.

(The instrumental to "Kim" by Eminem plays again)

(Instead of burning the house down, Buster instead takes the gun and fires two shots at Diana's head, after she softly says "No." Realizing both are dead, Buster angrily walks up the steps slowly while the camera pans on Diana's closed eyes with tears running down her face.)

SCENE 22

Seattle Police Department

Interior Holding Cell

Seattle, Washington

For the homicide of two girls, attempted arson, reckless driving, and destruction of private property, Buster was arrested and put it in a holding cell all night. Sparky comes to Buster's cell.

SPARKY: I have the bail money.

BUSTER: Oh, Sparky, thank you so much!

SPARKY: Dude, we all think you're a hero for what you did. I was so scared I was going to die and you really came through for us. We're going to take you out for sure.

BUSTER: It's OK.

SPARKY: Are you sure everything's fine?

BUSTER: No, Sparky, it's not. Diana broke up with me without warning and she teamed up with my arch-nemesis who faked romantic interest in me so they could kidnap you guys and threaten to kill you. And then I was forced to kill two people. Sparky, I don't know what it is about me. Maybe I'm just a terrible person like Diana and Savanah said I was. I'm always going to be alone.

SPARKY: Don't ever say that about yourself, Buster. Diana and Savanah were manipulative sociopathic freaks with severe mental problems. Not every girl is like that. You have to find somebody that actually appreciates you. And trust me, you have all the time in the world to find that special somebody. Whoever it is, they're going to love you because you're the most lovable person I know.

BUSTER: Awww, thanks Sparky. I guess no matter what happens, some people will never change.

JENNESSA: I'm glad you finally see it that way, buddy.

(Buster sees Jennessa behind him, but she then disappears, meaning it was just his imagination)

BUSTER: Thanks for everything, buddy.

SPARKY: Buster, who were you talking to just now?

BUSTER: Just a very friendly ghost.

(The officer lets Buster out of the cell)

BUSTER: Thanks, sir.

OFFICER: Do you want a ride home, kid?

SPARKY: Don't worry, I've got him. I hate spoiling secrets, but there's a big hero's welcome awaiting you at your condo.

BUSTER: Will there be beverages?

(Sparky and Buster leave the precinct together side by side)

SPARKY: Of course. So, best 90s show: _Simpsons _or _Seinfeld_?

BUSTER: Well, _Buffy _is pretty cool too.

SPARKY: Hey, there are no third choices.

("Get It Right" by Backhouse Mike playing in the background)

©2014 ANDERSON PRODUCTIONS

HAPPY HALLOWEEN


	2. The Life and Times of Diana K B-Pass

PRODUCTION/CULTURAL REFERENCES _(written on_ 8/15/14)

-I'm going to be completely honest here: This is the most personal episode of _Thank You, Heavenly _I've ever written. And I have a lot to say about it. So why don't I just start from the very beginning?

-I signed up for PenPal World almost a year ago. The first person I met was Savanah Edie from Fountain, Colorado. We had one conversation and it was great. She was a really cool girl. I never heard from her again. To this day, I still haven't heard from her. I've tried repeatedly to contact her and nothing has worked. I know she has a Facebook account that I can't message her on, a Kik account that got disabled, and a Skype account that also got disabled. Around this time, I started thinking of an idea where we find out Savanah is a sociopath obsessed with ruining Buster's life. Originally, this episode was called "The Life and Times of Savanah Edie," and the premise was entirely different from what it became. Actually, it's pretty similar to this episode. Buster gets a visit from Savanah who convinces the others that she's not who they think she is, since Buster has always felt like she was evil. She ends up turning the guys against Buster and kidnaps them in an attempt to kill them. Buster murders Savi in battle, but he wakes up and the episode turns out to be a dream. Buster realizes that Savanah will never leave his thoughts if he tries repressing her, so he makes plans to go see a therapist. This never went anywhere, and "Cinema Thieves" ended up having RK visit the therapist.

-When I started coming up with ideas for the second season, one thing I wanted to do was a series of Halloween episodes. Not one, not two, but three. Basically just like _The Simpsons_' "Treehouse of Horror" specials, but instead of three segments in a half-hour, I wanted to write three separate half-hour episodes. This was when I was writing episodes of the show just days before their premiere. There was no time to do three episodes on the same night, or even two, so I just wrote "Stories Killed the Radio Stars" and left it at that. This year, with more time to work on the show during the summer, I wanted to raise the stakes. I wanted to do something darker and edgier than what the show usually works with. Which was the reason why "Treehouse of Horror" became an actual thing. The rule was that every episode had to be non-canon, and anything goes. I restarted the idea for "The Life and Times of Savanah Edie," but there were too differences: Because it was non-canon, it didn't have to be a dream. And this time, Diana was a part of it. She was also kidnapped by Savanah and she was going to be killed alongside Sparky, RK, Wade, and Jaylynn. This was the final idea, until...

-On June 15, I got this Facebook message from Diana: "Mekii, I don't want to be your friend anymore. Don't ask me why, just don't visit me at my school and leave me alone." OK, I'm pretty sure that was paraphrased. I was legitimately shocked and messed up the first time I read it. Diana and I had only been friends for a few months, but we had gotten along great and we had a lot of things in common. She said we were going to be friends for a while and not to worry. I should have been the whole time. The worst part about it was that I never saw it coming. I spoke to one of Diana's friends who said that she was not the kind of person I should be friends with and that there was something wrong with her. I literally came up with the idea for this episode the day afterwards. I decided to make this episode canon. Since I don't honestly believe I'm going to be friends with Diana again, I'm going to find it very difficult to deal with her character still on the show, so I decided to kill her off and make her an ally of Savanah. When I made Jaylynn's character, we were still friends. And in spite of how I feel about her, I have to admit she's an interesting person. That basically guaranteed Jaylynn becoming a fully realized character with depth and human emotions. Diana was just a love interest. I also think this was an event that matured Buster and made him more of a hero. That's why I planted the seeds for Diana's heel turn and wrapped it up in this episode. She was slowly becoming the bad guy and no one knew it until she was too far gone. It's important to note that Diana gave me complete creative control. She said I could do whatever I wanted with her character. This is the result.

-The original plan was that Buster take on Diana and Savanah in a street fight at the mall, and the fight would be advertised around town as the main attraction of a carnival. However, I abandoned that idea because it was too comedic and would take away from what the episode was trying to accomplish. So while I was writing the episode, I decided to change it. The fight scene was choreographed on the spot. But I knew it would end with Buster jumping in mid-air and stabbing Diana and Savanah to death.

-I started writing the episode five days ago and finished last night. I already look at the disaster of "That's Why They Call Her Sanna Q." as a distant memory. I don't think I'm going to finish the first half of the third season by the end of summer vacation, but I'm getting episodes done at a faster pace than before and I already see the first half being done by the season premiere on September 28.

-Originally, "The Life and Times of Diana Katanova" was supposed to be one hour as I had stated many times before. But as I started writing it, I started thinking that the material wasn't enough for a two-parter. But I didn't want to just fit everything in a regular half-hour because it would seem so rushed and condensed. So I went for the 45-minute format. It's not used a lot, but one example of a 45-minute episode is _Phineas and Ferb_'s Christmas special in 2009. It's like the show extended without having to do an entire hour.

-The ending was always and always had to be Buster stabbing both Savanah and Diana to death. At least that's what I always had planned. As I got to the fight scene, I started thinking about other possibilities. Maybe Buster realizes that by killing Savi, Diana goes back to who she used to be. But she moves away knowing things may never be the same. I decided not to go back. I had to finish this episode by killing off Diana too. That was the whole reason she was in the episode in the first place. I think this is the most polarizing episode of the show up to this point. I sat there after writing the part where you see Diana's dead body with tears down her face and I was actually a little traumatized. Just a little. This was the episode I was most excited about writing when production of the third season started. This is also my favorite Buster episode. Better than "Too Many Margheritas." Better than "A Thank You, Heavenly Christmas." It's like if I decided to take the scene from "It's the Holidays, Dammit!" where Buster stopped Jaylynn from killing herself and made an episode out of it.

-The music used in this episode was also decided ahead of time. Like, the "Kim" instrumental was always going to be used in those two particular scenes. I didn't know when to use "I'm Mad" at the time, but it turned out really nice. The fight scene was always going to have "Nuff Respect." It was supposed to resemble fight scenes from urban films like the 1992 movie _Juice. _When the fight near the mall was still planned, Buster was supposed to arrive with "Into the Fire" playing in the background. The whole fight was going to have a WWE-style presentation (which is why "Letters from the Sky" was used), so Justin Roberts, Michael Cole, John "Bradshaw" Layfield, and Jerry "The King" Lawler were all going to make an appearance. But of course, that changed to keep the drama intact. I feel like I may never use those guys (both WrestleMania episodes in the first and second seasons, "Sparky's Big Hit"). OK, I'll admit it. I came up with the idea to use "Live for the Moment" while writing it.

-Satan's Stories, if it happens, will be a part of the fourth season for sure. It gives me a chance to write episodes that have dark and edgy content. This isn't going to be a regular thing. But having been influenced by _American Dad, _it's always fun for _Thank You, Heavenly _to think outside the box and experiment.

-The opening disclaimer was a reference to the early "Treehouse of Horror" episodes, where Marge told the viewers they should put their children to bed due to the potentially disturbing content. These warnings were later taken out due to the writers finding it annoying to come up with new ideas to advise viewers.

-Originally, Richard Pursel was going to be the director of this episode, but after watching The Mysterious Mr. Enter's _Animated Atrocities _review on "Ren Seeks Help" (which Pursel wrote), I realized that nobody should ever have to associate with this guy in terms of television so the job was given to Dohrn.

-I came up with the "Children's Story" opening sequence a few months ago but when I did, it was on the spot. The goal was to try and be as disturbing as possible, while not pushing it. Just try to be on the line.

-When I hear a song like "Kim," I know it has to be on the show. The thing is, it was a lot better to just use the instrumental because in this particular case, it makes the song sound beautiful. And that's probably one of the best instrumentals you'll ever hear in a hip-hop song. The lyrics have Eminem basically shouting EVERYTHING. Not just every now and then, the whole song does this. So that's why just the instrumental was put in.

-A lot of the speeches in this episode directed towards Diana actually resembled my feelings about the whole situation. I couldn't pull any punches here. You can compare this whole thing to _South Park_'s "Return of the Chef," which basically deals with Isaac Hayes' departure from the show in a metaphorical way.

-A month ago, Jennessa and I stopped being pen pals when we realized we had nothing in common. I decided to incorporate that into the storyline because...why not? Hell, there was a whole season two episode about her ("Buster's Pen Pal"), and there was no point in leaving it out. With "The Life and Times of Diana Katanova," I made it as personal as I could, using whatever resources I had to give the episode depth and human emotions. By the way, her appearance was a reference to the pilot episode of _Girl Meets World. _At the train station, Mr. Feeny appears near a "Stay in School" poster and tells Cory, "Well done, Mr. Matthews." He then disappears into the poster, implying that Cory imagined it and Mr. Feeny might possibly be dead. This was the end of the episode.

-Buster's street fighting outfit was supposed to resemble CM Punk.

-The conversation at Ike's about 90s shows was actually inspired from a real-life conversation with my girlfriend about what the best television series of the 1990s was. I said it was _The Simpsons, _she said it was _Buffy the Vampire Slayer._

_-_I don't know what Diana's favorite song is because she had a lot of them. I just wanted to use "Pocketful of Sunshine" because that song is awesome. I was going to have it play again during the end credits, but I already used it so it was pointless. And after all of that dark stuff, "Get It Right" was a great feel-good song to end it all.

-Buster singing "I Wanna Dance with Somebody" was a reference to the _Degrassi _episode "Out of My Head." Tristan sang the same song and danced with Maya in the hallway.

-The "Anonymous/Unanimous" joke was taken from the season five _Arthur _episode "Nerves of Steal." There's a cool toy around town that everyone has, except for Arthur and Buster. So Buster steals the toy from the drugstore out of impulse and puts it in Arthur's backpack. Arthur convinces Buster to return the toy and leave a sorry note at the drugstore. However, Buster misspells the word "Anonymous" and instead puts "Unanimous."

-UPDATE: Initially, there would be three Halloween episodes, but after several issues developing "I Didn't Shoot the Sheriff, I Killed Him" and "I'm the Enemy," I decided to leave it at one episode. I don't think anybody is really going to be disappointed but I have to say it. Plus, "The Life and Times of Diana Katanova" was going to overshadow the other two regardless. I still want to do the triple-episode thing, but I don't know when. I'm thinking about doing three episodes for Christmas (since the one I already have planned for December 21 doesn't really focus on the holiday), but I don't know. I'm still weighing my options. (10/21/14)


End file.
